© 2004
   Series: Latin for All Occasions

   Although I did the original Latin composition for the first draft of this book, my translations have been extensively corrected, meticulously polished, and felicitously rephrased by J. Mark Sugars, Ph.D., without whose assistance I would have been in merda profundissima (very deep doo-doo). Thus, to the extent that the classical constructions herein are historically appropriate, grammatically accurate, and culturally apt, it is he who deserves the imposing, but tasteful, triumphal arch on the sunny side of the Forum, just below the Palatine Hill. If, however, there are any errata ignominiosa (boners), it is I and I alone who should be exiled to the remote, windswept tip of some godforsaken island inhabited by rude barbarians. (The Hamptons will do nicely.)
   That said, I have to confess that even the most dedicated Latin purist inevitably succumbs to the temptation to make a cheap joke at the expense of the noble tongue of Rome ’s golden age, and I am no exception. Therefore, in the interests of scholarly integrity, I am compelled to concede that there is no Latin verb “geronimo, geronimare” meaning “to express an intention to act boldly or rashly,” say, just prior to jumping off a bridge, and if a Roman diner wished to remark, “I will recommend this restaurant,” “zago, zagas, zagat” is not the way he would have phrased it. The rest of the Augustan yadda-yadda (“iaddo, iaddere, iaddedi, iadditum”) is as kosher as we could make it.
   Oh, all right. Yadda-yadda is actually blatero, blaterare. Sheesh.

   It’s often said that Latin is a dead language
   Lingua Latina saepe dicitur mortua esse
   LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah SIGH-pay DEE-kih-tuhr MOHR-too-ah EHS-seh
   Baloney!
   Nugas!
   NOO-gahss!
   It’s just been taking a long nap
   Modum iam pridem meridiatur
   MOH-duhm yahm PREE-dehm meh-ree-dih-AH-tuhr
   And it’s been talking a lot in its sleep
   Iam diu autem multa verba facit dormiens
   Yahm DIH-ooh OW-tehm MOOL-tah WEHR-bah FAH-kiht DOHR-mih-ehns
   In fact, you can’t get it to shut up
   Re vera, non potes eam in silentium redigere
   Ray WAY-rah nohn POH-tess EH-ahm ihn sih-LAYN-tih-uhm reh-DIHG-eh-reh
   Look around-Latin is all over the place, like a cheap toga
   Circumspice-Lingua Latina se pandit ubique tanquam toga qwevilis
   KEER-kuhm-spih-keh-LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah say PAHN-diht ooh-BEE-kweh TAHN-kwaum TOH-gah WIH-liss
   Lawyers use it to screw you
   Iurisperiti ea utuntur ut te defraudent
   Yoo-riss-peh-REE-tee EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht tay deh-FROW-dehnt
   Doctors use it to scare you shitless
   Medici hac lingua utuntur ut alvum evacues ex metu
   MEH-dih-kee hock LEEN-gwah uh-TOON-tuhr uht AHL-wuhm ay-WAH-koo-ays eks MEH-tooh
   Politicians use it to hide their tracks while they rob you blind
   Magistratus ea utuntur ad operienda vestigia cum te despoliant
   Mah-gihs-TRAH-toohs EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd oh-pehr-ih-AYN-dah wehs-TEE-gih-ah kuhm tay deh-SPOH-lih-ahnt
   Priests use it to weasel their way out when they get caught playing hide-the-sausage with the altar boys
   Sacerdotes in stupro cum acolytis deprehensi ea utuntur ut se criminibus absolvant
   Sah-kehr-DOH-tays ihn STOOP-roh kuhm ah-koh-LEE-teese day-preh-HAYN-see EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht say krih-MIHN-ih-buhss ahb-SOHL-wahnt
   Even garden supply stores use it to get you to buy overpriced, short-lived houseplants
   Etiam venditores rerum hortensium ea utuntur ad persuadendum tibi ut emas maximo pretio plantas vitae brevis
   EH-tih-ahm wehn-dih-TOHR-ace RAY-ruhm hohr-TAYN-sih-uhm EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd pehr-swah-DAYN-duhm TIH-bee uht EH-mahs MAHK-sih-moh PREH-tih-oh PLAHN-tahs WEE-tye BREH-wihss
   The fact is, for too long these dirtbags have had a monopoly on this mighty tongue
   Diutius quidem haec propudia monopolio huius magnifici sermonis fruuntur
   Dih-OO-tih-uhs KWIH-dehm hike proh-POOH-dih-ah moh-noh-POH-lih-oh HOO-eeh-uhss mahg-NIH-fih-kee sehr-MOH-nihss frooh-OON-tuhr
   But now, thanks to this little book, you too can tap the awsome power of Latin to dismay the ignorant multitudes
   Nunc vero, huius libelli gratia, tu quoque potentia reverenda linguae Latinae uti potes ad indoctum vulgus consternandum
   Nuhnk WAY-roh, HOO-eeh-uhss lih-BEHL-lee GRAH-tih-ah, too KWOH-kweh poh-TAYN-tih-ah reh-weh-RAYN-dah LEEN-gwigh LAH-tih-nigh OO-tee POH-tehss ahd ihn-DOHK-tuhm WUHL-guhs kohn-stehr-NAHN-duhm
   And best of all, you’ll be able to insult and abuse one and all in perfect safety, using a language that everyone respects but practically no one understands
   Atque haec est optima ratio omnium: maledicere cunctis hominibus et contumeliam imponere satis impune poteris verbis augustis quae cum omnes magno aestimant, tum nemo ferme intellegit
   AHT-kweh hike ehst OHP-tih-mah RAH-tih-oh OHM-nih-uhm: mah-leh-DEEK-eh-reh KOONK-tees hoh-MIHN-ih-buhss eht kohn-tuh-MAY-lih-ahm ihm-POH-neh-reh SAH-tihss ihm-POO-neh poh-TEH-rihss WAYR-beese ow-GOOS-teese kwy kuhm OHM-nays MAHG-noh EYE-stih-mahnt tuhm NEH-mo FAYR-meh ihn-TEHL-leh-giht
   And as you pepper your speech with catapult-powered put-downs, remember the immortal words of Maximus as he signaled the attack in Pannonia
   Itaque cum spargis orationem tuam praepotentibus opprobriis, memento verborum immortalium quae Maximus fecit signum dans in Pannonia:
   Ih-TAH-kweh kuhm SPAHR-ghiss oh-rah-tih-OH-nehm TOO-ahm prigh-poh-TAYN-tih-buhss ohp-PROH-brih-eehs, meh-MEHN-toh wayr-BOH-ruhm ihm-mohr-TAH-lih-uhm kwigh MAHK-sih-muhss FAY-kiht SIHG-nuhm dahns ihn Pahn-NOH-nih-ah:
   Unleash hell!
   Solve lora infernis!
   SOHL-weh LOH-rah ihn-FEHR-nihss!
   And have a nice day!
   Et futue te ipsum!
   Eht FUH-too-eh tay IHP-suhm
   Latin Terms in Modern English
 

LEGAL LATIN

 
 

MEDICAL LATIN

 
 

POLITICAL LATIN

 
 

ECCLESIASTICAL LATIN

 
 

BOTANICAL LATIN

 
 
   Basic Latin Pronunciation Guide
 

VOWELS

 
   a if long, as in “blah”; if short, as in “rub-a-dub”
   e if long, as in “ol é”; if short as in “feh”
   i if long, as in “ ’zine”; if short as in “zit”
   o if long, as in “d’oh”; if short as in “not”
   u if long, as in “dude”; if short as in “wassup”
 
   There is really no simple way to tell if a vowel is long or short, but if the word is short-one syllable-treat the vowel as short. The last syllable of verb endings are almost always short. If a, i, o, or u, come at the end of a word, they’re long; if e comes at the end of a word, it’s short. If a vowel is followed by two consonants, it’s long. For other situations, pronuntia utrolibet modo! (wing it!)
 

DIPTHONGS

 
   ae as in “Thai”
   au as in “ouch”
   ei as in “hey”
   eu as in “hey, you”
   oe as in “goy”
   ui as in “ptui”
 

CONSONANTS

 
   b, d, f, h, l, m, n, and p are the same as in English. So are k and z, which are rare in Latin anyway. j, w, and the consonant y don’t exist in Latin.
   c, ch always “k.” That’s a KIGH-sahr salad you ordered. You want ANN-koh-veese with that?
   g, gn always “guh.” The Romans were fighting the GUHR-mahns, not the JUR-mahns, and when they gave the signal to attack, it was a SIHG-nuhm (trumpet blast) not a SEE-nuhm (large bowl).
   i always “yuh.” It’s thanks to YOO-lih-uhss (not JOO-lee-yuss) that we celebrate the fourth of July instead of the fourth of Quinctil.
   r you can rrroll your r’s even if they’rrre the last letterrr of a worrrrd.
   s always “sss.” The Roman fanss (not fanz) were animalss (not animalz).
   t, th always “teh.” Teh-hey teh-rew teh-hings at eak ot-teh-her during teh-he nah-tih-oh-nahl (not nashunal) ant-hem (not anthum).
   v always “w.” The wolcano that waporized Pompeii was Weh-SOO-wee-uhss.
 
   There are no silent letters in Latin-every vowel (unless it’s part of a two-syllable dipthong) and every consonant is always pronounced fully, and often separately. Of course, there are also no actual Romans around to give you the stink-eye when you mess up.

   Puellae filiae agricolarum sunt
   The girls are the daughters of the farmers
   Puellae pulchrae sunt
   The girls are pretty
   Puellae nautas in via spectant
   The girls see the sailors in the street
   Nautae pulchri sunt
   The sailors are hunks
   Puellae nautas salutant
   The girls say hello to the sailors
   O malam fortunam! Nautae male mares sunt
   Too bad! The sailors are homos
   Nautae ad puellas digitos impudicos porrigunt
   The sailors give the girls the finger
   Puellae nautas appellant
   The girls call out to the sailors
   “Speramus naviculam misellam vestram ad scopulum adlisam iri summersum”
   “We hope your stupid boat hits a rock and sinks”
   Puellae in forum descendere destinant et ibi mercimonium furari
   The girls decide to go down to the mall and shoplift some stuff
   Omnes paucis annis prosedae erunt
   In a few years they will all be hookers

   (answers below-responsa recta in ima pagina)

   All Gaul is divided into____________________parts
   Gallia est omnis divisa in partes____________________
   many
   multas
   good
   bonas
   small
   parvas
   warlike
   bellicosas
   Capture a Gaul and torture him until he tells you
   Torque Gallum captum donec tibi respondeat

   Arms and the man I sing, who first from the shores of____________________…
   Arma virumque cano____________________qui primus ab oris…
   Syracuse
   Syracusarum
   Ithaca
   Ithacae
   Albany
   Albani
   Buffalo
   Bufali
   Sacrifice a bullock to Jupiter so the test gets canceled because the teacher was struck by lightning
   Immola Iovi iuvencum ut magistro tacto de caelo probatio relinquatur
   III. EXTRA CREDIT – QUAESTIO ADDITA PRAEMII GRATIA
   Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when bearing____________________
   Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et____________________ferentes
   shish kebabs
   carunculas veribus fixas
   stuffed grape leaves
   folia vitis oryza farta
   baklava
   crustula laminosa
   the check
   syngrapham
   Send a slave over later with the answer, and if he gets it wrong, lop off his ears
   Mitte brevi postea servum qui responsum referat atque si erret praecide aures ei
   I., E; II, E; III, E.

   ROMULUS: Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian Way?
   ROMULUS: Quem ob rem pullus sacer viam Appiam transivit?
   REMUS: I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!
   REMUS: Nescio. Eum evisceremus ut, extane ostensura sint illius infausti facti causam, comperiamus!
   ROMULUS: Why do Roman firemen wear red suspenders?
   ROMULUS: Cur gerunt siphonarii Romani retinacula rubra?
   REMUS: I do not know-let us set the city ablaze and see if their pants fall down!
   REMUS: Nescio. Urbem incendamus ut, sintne delapsurae bracae eorum, comperiamus!
   ROMULUS: Why did the Helvetian moron throw the water clock out the window?
   ROMULUS: Quare iecit caudex Helvetius clepsydram de fenestra?
   * Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian way?
   ** I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!
   *** I growl
 
   REMUS: I do not know, but I feel certain that after ten years chained to an oar as a galley slave he will be eager to reveal the reason for his rash act!
   REMUS: Nescio; pro certo tamen habeo istum, decem annos vinctum in servitio ad remum intra navem longam, cupidum futurum revelare rationem sui temerarii facti!

   Faster than a speeding chariot…
   Celerior quam currus festinans…
   More powerful than a Carthaginian war-elephant…
   Valentior quam elephas bellicus Punicus…
   Able to conjugate irregular verbs without making a single mistake…
   Potis anomala verba sine lapsu declinare…
   It’s Ro-Man!
   Romanus est!
   T-shirt Slogans-TITULI TUNICALES
   CARPE NAREM
   Pick your nose
   CAPE SOMNUM
   Catch some “z’s”
   CAPIAMUS CEREVISIAM
   Let’s grab a beer
   CAVE LABOREM
   Beware of work
   MORANS FAC PAUSAM UT SEDES BIROTARUM OLFACIAS
   Take time to stop and smell the bicycle seats
   PUTEO ERGO SUM
   I stink, therefore I am
   VENI, VIDI, VOMUI
   I came, I saw, I blew lunch
   SOLVE LORA INFERNIS
   Unleash hell
   OSTENDE MIHI PECUNIAM
   Show me the money
   PARENTES MEI DIMIDIUM EUROPAE DESPOLIA VERUNT. EGO TAMEN NIL ACCEPI PRAETER HANC TUNICULAM MISELLAM
   My parents plundered half of Europe and all I got was this stupid T-shirt
   ABES ETIAM A CONSILIO INSULTANDI MIHI NISI LATINE LOQUI SCIAS
   Don’t even think of dissing me unless you speak Latin
   ILLUC IVI, ILLUD FECI
   Been there, done that

   I’d rather be pillaging
   Malim praedari
   I’m dumb and I vote
   Hebes sum et suffragia fero
   My child can beat the crap out of your wimpy honor student
   Filius meus puerum tuum studiosum laureatum mollem deverberare potest
   Thank you for not thanking me for not smoking
   Tibi gratias ago quod mihi gratias non agis quod fumum non comedo
   Visualize world conquest
   Habe ante oculos devictionem mundi
   Keep honking-I’m reloading
   Perge cornu canere-sclopetum repleo
   Horn broken-watch for finger
   Buccina fracta-exspecta signum digiti impudici
   Barbarian on board
   Barbarus in curru
   Proud of our brutal police
   Vigilitus nostris crudelibus gloriantes
   Stop the aqueduct, save the unicorns
   Sistite constructionem aquaeductus ut conservetis unicornes
   I brake for lunch
   Frenos inhibere soleo pransurus
   Don’t blame me-I voted for Miss Piggy
   Nolite me culpare-Suffragatus sum Erae Porcellae
   Jesus loves you-everyone else thinks you’re an asshole
   Te amat Iesus-ceteri te putant irrumatorem
   If you can read this, I lost my trailer
   Si hoc potes legere, traheam meam amisi

   Celebrity Shark Attack
   Impetus Pistricum in Insignes
   Supermodel Food Fight
   Pulcherrimae Inter Se Luctantes Edulibus
   Beach Babe Lapdance Showdown
   Certamen Ultimum Saltandi Nympharum Litoralium in Genibus Virorum
   Blow Job Island
   Insula Fellatoria
   Nationwide Red Alert Hot Bod Strip Search
   Inquisitio Summa Cum Vigilantia Per Omnes Nationis Partes Diffusa Corporum Formosiorum Nudatorum
   Meet the Organ Donors
   Salvete, O Daturi Membra Post Mortem
   Baby-sitters from Hell Bring Home Animals that Kill for Fun
   Nutriculae Infernales in Domos Adducunt Feras Quae ad Delicias Interficiunt
   Big Fat Slobs Eat Shit for Cash
   Helluones Squalidi Merdam Pro Nummis Comedunt
   Who Wants to Marry a Rich Old Fart with a Terminal Disease?
   Quis Vult Nubere Peditori Capulari Diviti?

   That’s a load of bull, and you know it!
   Merae fabulae sunt, et eas esse tales scis!
   You wouldn’t know a fact if one hit you on the head!
   Rem veram non cognoscas etiamsi frontem tibi feriat!
   You’re a liberal stooge!
   Pedisequus parasiticus es popularium!
   You’re a right-wing moron!
   Stipator stultus es optimatum!
   See you next week!
   Vos revisemus post septimanam!

   Bass-fishing- Piscatus Percarum
   Let me guess-you have to drink the beer to make room in the ice chest for all the fish you catch
   Ut coniecturam faciam-necesse est tibi bibere cerevisiam ut locum in cista glaciei des piscibus captis
   It’s a keeper!
   Licet mihi hunc retinere!
   Stock car racing- Certamen Curruum Generalium
   When are they going to start running into each other and blowing up?
   Quando inter se collidentes incipient in flammas dirumpi?
   Pit stop!
   Statio restaurativa!
   Wrestling- Luctatus
   Something tells me that the mean-looking bearded guy dressed up like the Ayatollah is no match for the wily Captain America
   Suspicor illum truculentum barbatum ritu archierei Persici vestitum non esse comparem Centurioni Americano vafro
   Smashmouth! Smackdown!
   Ictus in os! Prostratio!
   Bungee jumping- Saltus de Ponte
   How dumb would you have to be to jump off a bridge with a rope tied to your foot?
   Quam vecors sit is qui de ponte saliat pedibus funiculo ligatis?
   Geronimo!
   Geronimo, geronimare!
   Snowboarding- Super Nivem Labi
   Hey dude, let’s head to the halfpipe, catch some major air, and stick some tricks!
   Heus, laute, contendamus ad canalem nivalem ut aerem oppido capientes nonnullas technas exsequamur!
   Super rad! I’m stoked!
   Maxime radicitus! Flagro!
   The Olympics- Olympia
   I’ll vote for the Greek in the wrestling if you vote for the Roman in the chariot race
   Graeco palmam dabo in certamine luctandi si Romano palmam dabis in certamine quadrigarum
   Deal!
   Fiat haec pactio!

   You want a part of me? Bring it on!
   Visne partem mei capere? Comminus agamus!
   Are you dissing me?
   Insultasne tu miki?
   You’re yesterday’s news
   In actis diurnis iamdudum es celebratus
   You’re toast
   Mox corvos pasces
   You don’t know your ass from a catacomb
   Non possis distinguere tuum podicem a Puticulis
   Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town, Rome has eight hills
   Mater tua tam obesa est ut cum Romae est, urbs habet octo colles
   * Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town Rome has eight hills
   ** Kiss my basilisk!
 
   Your mother is so ugly, when the gods turned her into a pig, she thought her prayers had been answered
   Mater tua tam turpis est ut cum di eam mutaverint in porcam, suas preces putaverit eos audivisse
   Your mother is so stupid, when she found a coin with Caesar’s name on it, she tired to return it to him
   Mater tua tam stulta est ut cum invenerit nummum ferentem nomen Caesaris, huic eum restituere conata sit
   Go ahead, punk-make my day
   Age, catamite-fac mihi hunc diem felicissimum

   Road trip!
   Iter faciamus!
   Let’s party hearty!
   Pergraecemur!
   Wet T-shirt contest!
   Certamen inter mammosas tunicis madefactis vestitas!
   Go ahead, card me. See, I’ve got a Latin ID. I’m 2,000 years old.
   Age, scrutare chartam identitatis meam. Ecce, est mihi syngraphus Latinus. Duo milia annorum sum natus.
   I’m wasted!
   Crapulentus sum!
   I’m going to hurl!
   Vomiturus sum!

   Si Telephonium Non Tintinnat, Ego Voco
   If Your Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
   Causam Tibi Dabo Bibendi
   I’ll Give You Something to Drink About
   Quomodo Una Nocte Facta Tam Turpis Es?
   How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight?
   Si Dies Hodiernus Esset Piscis, Reicerem
   If Today Was a Fish I’d Throw it Back
   Mater Cape Malleum, Musca Sedet in Capite Patris
   Mother Get the Hammer, There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head
   Si Me Deseras, Liceatne Mihi Te Comitari?
   If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
   Quomodo Te Desiderare Potero Si Non Discesseris?
   How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
   Per Anulum Illa Trusit Digitum Medicinalem, Ac Ostendit Mihi Digitum Medium
   She Got the Ring, and I Got the Finger
   Tu Causa Es Cur Liberi Nostri Tam Turpiculi Sint
   You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
   Sine Te Tam Miser Sum Ut Videaris Etiamnunc Adesse
   I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here
   Caput Dolet, Pedes Fetent, Iesum Non Amo
   My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus

   Wassup?
   Quagis?
   Nothin’, watching the game
   Nihil ago, ludos specto
   True, true
   Vero, vero
   It’s off the hook
   Ab unco remotumst
   Talk to the hand, the face don’t understand
   Adloquere manum, facies nescit quid velis
   Black togas are cool
   Togae atrae lepidae sunt
   Want to see my sword collection?
   Vin’ aspicere collectum gladiorum meum?
   I’m thinking of taking a catapult into the school cafeteria…
   Cogito ferre catapultam in cenationem scholae…

   Make love, not war-hell, get married, do both
   Suscipite amorem, non bellum-eheu, iuncti matrimonio, suscipite utrumque
   Procrastinate now
   Procrastina rem nunc
   Flush twice, it’s a long way to Texas
   Evacua cratera latrinalem bis, Texas procul est
   If it has tits, tires, or testicles, it’s nothing but trouble
   Mammeatae, rotalia, testiculati, omni modo molesta sunt
   Gods are dead
   Di mortui sunt
   Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder
   Cervesia pota, pulchritudo cernitur
   Yankee, go home-and take me with you
   Americani, redite domum-ducentes me vobiscum
   If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
   Si quidem animalia nobis edenda non sunt, quare constant ex carne?
   There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t
   Sunt genera tria hominum: illi qui numerare possunt, et illi qui non possunt
   It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
   Res tam malae sunt quam putas, et inimici re vera te persequuntur
   Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?
   In sortitionibus donativis, cur numquam praemia consequuntur sortilegi?
   Aunt Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog-Dorothy
   Amita Aemilia: Te Kansiamque odi, Canem mecum abduco-Dorothea
   If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
   Si quidem pedibus ire tam salubre corpori est, cur similis est noster tabellarius forma illi Iabbae Hutico?
   Kill Barney
   Interfice Arcturulum, istum mimum personatum portentosum purpureum palaeozoicum

   Where did you learn to drive-fleeing from Huns?
   Ubi didicisti gubernare currum? In fuga ab Hunnis?
   That’s it, numbnuts. Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light.
   Euge, enervate eunuche! Ingredere in orbitam meam prae me, tum reprime cursum cum biviali lucernae approprinquas.
   Now speed up when I try to pass you, and as I go by, give me the finger.
   Nunc, accelera cum conor te praeterire, mihique praetereunti ostende digitum impudicum.
   Okay, tailgater-time for a brake check
   Em, ichneumon-tempus est sufflamina temptare
   Big car, little dick
   Currus magnus, mentula minuscula
   You know what S.U.V.s and hemorrhoids have in common? Every asshole has one.
   Scisne quid commune superlativa urbana vehicula cum haemorrhoidis habeant? Est unum ex his utrisque malis cuique pathico.
   * That’s it, numbnuts! Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light!
   ** Where did you learn to drive? Fleeing from Huns?
 
   Lady, if you’re going to sit there all day yakking on your cell phone, why don’t you stick a steering wheel on your living room wall and just stay home?
   Muliercula, si vis ibi sedens garrire totum diem in Nokiam tuam, quidni rotam adfigens gubernalem ad murum conclavis domi maneas?
   What are you saving those pretty little turn signals for-Christmas?
   Quod ad tempus reservas ista lumina pulchella praemonitoria-ad Saturnalia?
   No, Mr. Busybody, I am not handicapped, but you will be if you don’t move your nosy butt out of that parking place, pronto
   Minime, ardelio, nullo modo debilis sum, sed fies tu quidem, si clunes tuas curiosas non removeris protinam ab illa statione
   Don’t boot my car!
   Noli caligam in rotam currus mei adfigere!
   I am too allowed in the car pool lane! See, I’m not alone. I suffer from multiple personality disorder.
   Certe mihi licet vehi in orbita seposita curribus repletis. Ecce, non solus sum. Legio mihi nomen est, quia multi sumus.
   There are three of us here. I want to drive! No, it’s my turn! No fair, what about me? Me me me!
   Adsunt tres. Volo gubernare! Immo, ordo memet vocat! Iniquum est! Quid de me? Me me me!
   Does that Breathalyzer have a Latin setting?
   Potestne illa machina pneumatodocimastica ad linguam Latinam accommodari?
   I have Vatican diplomatic immunity. If you give me a ticket, you’re going to end up cooling your heels in The Hague in a jail cell full of Yugoslavian war criminals.
   Sedes Romana Sacra mihi diplomaticam immunitatem tribuit. Si me vocaveris in ius, aetatem tuam deges Hagae Comitis, conditus in carcerem refertum Iugoslavorum condemnatorum de bellum contra ius gentium gerendo.

   Do you have nail-clipper-sniffing dogs?
   Habetisne canes quae forficulas unguales olfacere possunt?
   I think that guy with a napkin on his noggin has a catapult in his shoe
   Credo illum mantelium in capite gerentem occultavisse catapultam in caliga
   Hey, pal, is that carry-on luggage or did you just sack Carthage?
   Heia, amice, utrum illae sunt sarcinae tuae, an modo Carthaginem despoliasti?
   Say, miss, didn’t you used to work for Con Air?
   Dic mihi, domnicella, nonne te conducebat aëria classis quae condemnatos transportabat?
   You know, even galley slaves were served meals
   Nempe cibus dabatur etiam servis navalibus
   If there’s an accident, I’m going to charge people to use this exit
   Si de caelo cadere incipiamus, vectores pretium pro usu huius exitus poscam

   Your nose may fall off
   Fieri potest ut nasus tuus decidat
   You may develop hot-dog fingers
   Fieri potest ut digiti tui formam tomaculorum sumant
   Your head may explode
   Fieri potest ut caput tuum displodatur
   Your brain may turn to mush
   Fieri potest ut cerebrum tuum liquefiat
   You may start babbling in Latin
   Fieri potest ut Latine blaterare incipias

   Argumentum
 
   Gallia, terra in partes tres divisa
   *Cisalpina
   *Transalpina
   *Oblitus sum tertiae
 
   Topic
 
   Gaul, a country with three parts
   *Northern Italy
   *France
   *I forget

   Consilium
 
   *Visere
   *Videre
   *Vincere
 
   Plan
 
   *Make a visit
   *Have a look-see
   *Take it over

   Sequelae
 
   *De bello stultum librum scribam
   *A nonnullis irrumatoribus occidar in Foro
   *Acetaria et mensis accipient a me nomina
 
   Follow-up
 
   *Write a stupid book about it
   *Get assassinated in the forum by a bunch of assholes
   *Salad and month get named after me

   Conclusio
 
   *Faciam ut animus meus scrutetur
   *Quid illa femella Cleopatra?
 
   Conclusions
 
   *Get head examined
   *What about that Cleopatra dame?

   X. Calculus won’t be invented for another fifteen hundred years
   Calculus differentialis non invenietur intra mille quingentos annorum
 
   IX. When you’re late on a rainy day, you can always blame the sundial
   Si sub Iove pluvioso serius advenias, tu culpare semper potes horologium solare
 
   VIII. If you piss off one god, you’ve still got 600 left
   Si deum irrites unum, sescenti tibi iam supersint
 
   VII. Actors are treated like dirt
   Histriones foede tractantur
 
   VI. Athletes who complain about their pay end up in an urn
   Athletae qui queruntur de mercedibus mox in urnas funduntur
 
   V.Scumbags who get the death penalty think they got off light
   Scelesti mortis damnati se leviores poenas pensuros reuntur
 
   IV. The likeliest place to find some pushy Christian preacher is inside a lion
   Veri simillimum est, locum in quo praedicatorem Christianum protervum invenies, ventrem leoninum esse
 
   III. The French are an ignorant bunch of servile peasants living in smelly huts, and the Germans are getting their asses kicked
   Gens Gallorum inerudita servilis agrestis est, in tuguriis foetidis habitans, et Germani vapulant
 
   II. A healthy diet consists of waiting to see if the food taster dies before having anything to eat
   Diaeta salubris est, antequam aliquid cenes, observare an moriatur praegustator
 
   I. Everyone is always dressed for a toga party
   Omnès amiciuntur semper togis quasi convivium agitaturi

   Actually, I’m a born-again pagan
   Re vera, cultor denuo renatus deorum Romanorum antiquorum sum
   I get to worship whomever I like, including SpongeBob SquarePants
   Licet mihi venerari pro deo quemlibet, etiam SpongoRobertum QuadratoBracatum
   I always ask myself, What would Julius Caesar do?
   Me semper rogo, Quid faceret Iulius Caesar?
   No, as far as miracles go, this “J. C.” never raised the dead, but he certainly lowered a lot of the living
   Immo, si de miraculis agitur, ille “I Ce” nullos mortuos ad vitam revocavit, sed tamen multos vivos ad mortem sane misit
   We’re having a prayer breakfast down at the pistol range
   Ientabimus, precatione facta, in campo manuballistulario
   I am a firm believer in tough hate
   Mihi persuasum est odisse acerbe
   * Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire.
 
   Do unto others, but do it first
   Fac hominibus aliis, atqui fac prius
   Blessed are the poor, because they leave so much more money for the rest of us
   Beati pauperes, quoniam tanto plus pecuniae nobis reliquis relinquunt
   Blessed are the meek, because we can cut in front of them in lines
   Beati mites, quoniam istis in ordine stantibus anteponere nosmet ipsos possumus
   If someone smites you on the cheek, turn the other cheek and see what kind of a smiter he is with a bloody stump
   Si quis te percusserit in dexteram maxillam tuam, praebe illi alteram ut possis cognoscere quam fortiter percussurus sit bracchio truncato cruento
   Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire
   Dilige proximos tuos, utque illis ostendas te re vera diligere, mitte decem legiones quae ianuas pulsent et quam dulcissime ab illis quaerant, num velint in tuum imperium recipi
   The theory of evolution is baloney. Everyone knows the whole universe came out of Saturn’s nostrils
   Theoria Darwiniana evolutionis specierum absurda est. Constat inter omnes universitatem rerum ab naribus Saturni venisse
   Of course I can speak in tongues, but I prefer Latin
   Sane loqui variis linguis possum sicut Apostoli die Pentecostes, sed malo Latine loqui
   Let’s say grace: O gods, thank you for permitting us to gobble this food the way Caesar gobbled up half of Europe. Amen.
   Precemur. O di, gratias vobis agimus, quod nos sinitis hunc cibum sic devorare quo modo C. Iulius Caesar dimidiam partem Europae devoravit. Finis.

   It fell off the back of a truck, capeesh?
   De extremo plaustro excidit; comprehendisne mente quod dico?
   You got a problem with that, paysan?
   Num de hoc dubitas, compagane?
   Whatsamatter you?
   Quid te sollicitat?
   Fuhgeddaboutit
   Eice id ex animo
   Geddouttahere
   Noli mecum nugari
   God forbid, a piano should fall on your head
   Dii prohibeant ne clavicinium in caput tuum delabatur

   Meditate on this, pal
   Meditare de hoc, amice
   Do you know the yoga position where you put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye?
   Scisne schema gymnosophisticum per quod, capite inter femora flexo, iubentur basio valere clunes?
   Did a dish of potpourri just catch fire, or did someone light up a joint?
   Utrum patella florum siccatorum ignem modo concepit, an aliquis accendit sarcinulam cannabis?
   Man, that shit is potent-I am like totally in the subjunctive
   Mehercle, illa materia tam valida est ut funditus in modo subiunctivo sim
   I’ve got the munchies! Pizza pizza!
   Esurio! Libum Neapolitanum!

   I love it, I love it, I love it!
   Id amo, id amo, id amo!
   Make the mother the father, change the cat to a dog, and lose the kid with cancer
   Muta matrem in patrem, converte felem in canem, amitte puerum cancerosum
   And replace all the love scenes with car chases and set it in the Hamptons instead of the Civil War
   Substitue autem persecutiones curriles pro episodiis eroticis, et conloca dramatis actionem in Hamtunis in vicem temporis Belli Civilis Americani
   Wait, the girl in the copy room hated it!
   Siste, puella in scriptorio xerographico fabulam oderat!
   I’m putting it in turnaround
   Hoc scriptum in purgatorium committo
   Pasadena
   Praetermitto
   You’ll never eat lunch in this town again
   Numquam in hoc oppido prandebis iterum

   No mackerel, no eel, and no slab of cold egg crud
   Mihi nullus scomber, nulla anguilla, nullum frustum ovorum frictorum frigidorum
   When I snap apart the chopsticks, do I make a wish?
   Estne mos homini findenti virgulas prehensorias aliquod optatum declarare?
   What’s the deal with the little strip of green plastic with the fringe on top?
   Quapropter in catillum poni solet illa taeniola plastica viridis fimbrata?
   More tuna, please, and another California roll
   Da mihi plus de thunno, sodes, et alterum volumen Californicum
   How do you get the little piece of fish to stick to the rice ball?
   Quo modo cogitur segmentulum piscis globo oryzae adhaerere?
   Are those knives as sharp as they look?
   Suntne illi cultri tam acuti quam esse videntur?
   You guys make great cars!
   Vos vehicula praestantia fabricamini!
   Sorry about those atom bombs!
   Me paenitet illorum pyrobolorum atomicorum!
   Thank you very much!
   Vobis plurimas gratias ago!

   Download the goddamn file, you bug-ridden piece of shit
   Assume plicam damnatam, o tu moles muscaria muscerdarum
   If you freeze one more time, you’re going straight to the landfill
   Si denuo congeles, confestim ibis in fossam purgamentorum
   Yeah? Well I’ve got an error message for you, fuckhead-you’re about to be shut down improperly with a ball-peen hammer
   Sicine? Nunc age, tibi nuntium erroris habeo, stuprator-mox improprie sopieris malleolo

   It’s a hunk of junk!
   Acervus inutilium est!
   That car is so ugly, you’d have to put a pork chop on the backseat to get the dog to ride in it
   Iste currus tam turpis est ut necesse tibi sit ponere offam porcinam in sede postrema ut persuadeas cani ut vehatur eo
   You deserve a dopeslap for buying it!
   Eum tam imprudenter comparando meruisti alapam!
   If the rattle gets too bad, wear earmuffs
   Nimium si strepat, indue operimenta tuis auribus
   Of course you think you can repair it-you’re a moron!
   Scilicet putas te currum reficere posse-stipes es!
   Whatever it is, it’s going to cost you five hundred bucks, if that’s what it is
   Quodcumque est, Ioachimicis tibi quingentis constabit, siquidem est, quod esse creditur
   Try putting it in neutral and pushing it off a cliff
   Vide quid eventurum sit si, dinexo ingranagio, currum e scopulo pepuleris
   Keep in mind, people in the rearview mirror are even stupider than they appear
   Tene memoria, viatores conspectos in speculo retrospicienti stultiores esse quam videntur
   And remember, don’t drive like my brother!
   Et memento, noli agere currum ut frater meus!

   A coyote whose habitat was destroyed by urban sprawl ate my homework
   Suo tractu operto suburbio extenso, canis latrans domicilium meum ingressus praescriptum domesticum mihi devoravit
   Due to global warming, my homework spontaneously combusted
   Orbe terrarum nimium calefacto combustione hydrogonanthracum, pensum meum domesticum sua sponte flammam concepit
   My homework was seized as evidence by mistake by DEA agents in a drug bust at the wrong address
   In domum meam perperam incurrentes, vigiles qui exsequuntur usum medicamentorum illicitorum nimis studiosi pensum domesticum pro testimonio iniuste abstulerunt
   My homework was forcibly recycled by eco-terrorists
   Praescriptum meum domesticum per vim in fibras redactum est a sodalitate quae terrore pro Terra utitur
   * My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed.
   ** Bullshit!
 
   My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed
   Necesse erat pensum domesticum meum, quod incidit in rabiem pensi deleri
   Strict zoning codes enacted by the town board make it illegal for me to work at home
   Praescriptis severis de aedificiorum usu decretis a decurionibus municipalibus, mihi non licet operari domi
   Because of a lack of statewide standards, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that I had to stop doing my homework immediately
   Normis civitati universae deficientibus, quinque ex iudicibus Tribunalis Supremi decreverunt, quattuor negantibus, ut pensum statim deponerem

   Now I know how a Muppet feels
   Nunc novi quid Manipupa sentiat
   Any sign of the trapped miners?
   Conspicisne metallicos sepultos?
   Are you there yet? Are you there yet? Are you there yet?
   Advenistine? Advenistine? Advenistine?
   Could you provide me with an affidavit stating that my head is not, in fact, up there?
   Potesne mihi testimonium impertire adfirmans caput meum reapse non infixum esse podici?

   I’m afraid I have some bad news, doc
   Vereor ne tristem tibi nuntium adferam, medice
   I’ve noticed you have no concept of time-I’ve been waiting for over an hour
   Animadverti te nullam notionem temporis habere-nam plus quam unam horam tibi praestolatus sum
   Your handwriting on prescriptions is totally illegible and shows signs of dementia
   Chirographum tuum quasi demens in medicamentorum praescriptis nemo legere potest
   Your manner is oddly distracted
   Te geris mirum in modum neglegenter
   You have an extremely strange sense of humor
   Inusitatissima iocaris
   Your fees are insane
   Mercedes tuae insanae sunt
   I think you have a brain tumor
   Puto te tuber in cerebro alere
   I’ll stop in again in a year and see how you’re doing
   Reveniam ad annum ut cognoscam de valetudine tua
   Hang in there!
   Perfer et obdura!

   I’d open these bills, but I’m afraid they may contain anthrax
   Has epistulas debitorum solutionem poscentes aperirem, sed metuo ne bacilli anthracis insint
   The bad news is, the Martians have landed and, boy, are they mean; the good news is they hate Arabs and they piss gasoline
   Tristis nuntio Martios descendisse et, eheu, truculentos esse, sed laetus nuntio illos odisse Arabes oleumque octanum meiere
   If you don’t give me this putt, the terrorists win
   Nisi mihi hunc puteolum concedis, phobistae vincunt
   If I can’t get a decent table at a top restaurant on short notice, the terrorists have won
   Nisi mensam opimam in popina optima extemplo accumbere possum, phobistae vicerunt
   If you won’t sleep with me, the terrorists will have won
   Nisi mecum concubueris, phobistae vicerint
   Get out the duct tape-I’m about to fart!
   Effer fasciam adhaesivam-mox pedam!

   I surrender! Please do not fire your catapult!
   Me dedo! Quaeso, noli iacere tela ballista!
   There is no anti-Roman sentiment here!
   Hic nemo est quin Romam amet!
   We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!
   Amamus vestras currus immanes, cibum festinanter paratum, et cultum saevum!
   We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!
   Odimus duces nostros improbos pravosque!
   We welcome you as liberators, not conquerors!
   Vos non victores, sed liberatores salutamus!
   We never liked that dirty old city-it’s so much nicer as rubble!
   Istam urbem squalidam senescentem numquam dileximus-confracta, multo magis nobis placet!
   * We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!
   ** We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!
   *** We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!
 
   We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!
   Multo malimus ab imperatore remoto regi, etiamsi frutex sit!
   If you see anything you like, don’t hesitate to take it!
   Si quid videtis quo delectamini, agite, capite sine mora!
   We’ll be sure to let you know if any Huns come this way!
   Curabimus ut sciatis num ulli Hunni appropinquent hac via!
   Have a really nice epoch!
   Sit vobis aetas felicissima!

   Taste laser death, alien insect scum!
   Oppetite mortem lumine amplificato stimulata emissione radiorum, cimices extraterrestriales foedi!
   Eat hot lead, Nazi zombie robot commandos!
   Vescimini glandibus plumbi candentis, velites nationalisticosocialistici cadaverosi automatarii!
   Feel the keen edge of the sword of doom, no-good, stinking, corpse-eating tomb-ghouls!
   Sentite aciem acrem ensis mortiferi, o larvae putidae, o bustirapi nefandi!
   I am going to program a simulation of the Roman Empire and rule it unjustly, cruelly, and incompetently!
   Mihi est in animo programmare simulationem imperii Romani quam iniuste, atrociter, imperite regam!
   Tax the poor!
   Impone vectigalia pauperibus!
   Bribe the senators!
   Corrumpe pecunia senatores!
   Rig the elections!
   Falle comitia!
   Screw minorities!
   Defrauda nationes minores in tua civitate!
   Pack the courts with obedient dunces!
   Stipa basilicas stipitibus obsequentibus!
   Arrest protestors on trumped-up charges!
   Infer commenta crimina seditiosis apprehensis!
   Invade other countries pretty much at random!
   Infer forte temere bellum aliis gentibus!
   What could possibly go wrong?
   Quid nobis infeliciter fieri potest?

   On the advice of counsel, I have decided to testify in Latin
   Iurisconsultus mihi suasit ut testimonium dicerem Latine
   My patron saint, Miranda, appeared to me in a vision and told me to remain silent
   Patrona mea, Sancta Miranda, apparens mihi somnio me iussit tacere
   Whom are you going to believe, me or some snot-nosed little boy, no matter how cute?
   Utri vos convenit credere? Mihi, an nescio cui puero parvulo muculento, quamlibet pulchellus sit?
   Look, these legal fees are putting quite a dent in the old collection plate
   En, mercedes iurisperitorum discum eleemosynarium vero vacuefaciunt
   What if I say one million Our Fathers and a couple hundred thousand Hail Marys and we just call it even?
   Si Orationum Dominicarum decies centena milia recitabo, Salutationumque Beatae Mariae bis vel ter ducena milia, eritne satis?
   The devil made me do it!
   Diabolus me coegit peccare!

   I’m only repeating a query that dates back to the Chaldeans, but may I ask, what is your sign?
   Si modo licet mihi te rogare idem quod antiqui Chaldaei suas puellas rogare solebant-quo signo nata es?
   I think it was Pliny the Elder-or was it Pliny the Younger?-who first pioneered the concept of self-introduction by way of the purchase of a libation, and it is really in homage to him that I am moved to offer to buy you a drink
   Credo Gaium Plinium Secundum Maiorem-aut Gaium Plinium Caecilium Secundum Minorem-instituisse ut vir, qui se notiorem puellae facere vellet, ei aliquid liquoris Lyaei compararet; itaque in commemorationem illius iuvat potiunculam tibi praebere
   Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”
   Hoc Marcus Tullius optime verbis expressit, neque profero alia quam ipsissima verba optimi omnium oratorum cum adsevero te venustas habere mammas
   * Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”
   ** It is required of you to go fuck yourself.
 
   Just as Aeneas inquired of Dido in Book Four of the Aeneid after stating his desire to install his obelisk in her temple of love, your place or mine?
   A te quaeso, sicut in Aeneidos libro quarto Aeneas, elocutus desiderium erigendi suum obeliscum in templo Venereo Didonis, ab ea quaesivit, tuae domi an meae?
   In the deathless words of the great philosopher-emperor Marcus Aurelius, of course I will respect you in the morning
   Si me decet immortalia verba usurpare Marci Aurelii, imperatoris illustris philosophici, certe apud me in honore eris, cras mane

   Kiss my basilisk
   Basia basiliscum meum
   Bite my zither
   Morde citharam meam
   Lick my licorice stick
   Linge bacillum glycyrrhizae meum
   Suck my aqueduct
   Suge meum aquaeductum
   Tune my lap trumpet
   Tempera tubam quam in sinu fero
   Lollipop my toga lizard
   Liguri lacertam quae sub toga mea vivit
   Lip-read my trouser scroll
   Lege labris volumen inguinale mihi

IMPERATIVE

 
   Futue te ipsum
   Go fuck yourself
   IMPERFECT SUBJUNCTIVE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT
   Utinam tete futueres
   Would that you would go fuck yourself
   FIRST SUPINE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT WITH VERBS OF MOTION
   I fututum te ipsum
   Go in order to fuck yourself
   INFINITIVE WITH IMPERSONAL VERB
   Te oportet futuere tete
   It behooves you to go fuck yourself
   PASSIVE PERIPHRASTIC
   Tu tibi futuendus (futuendave) es
   It is required of you to go fuck yourself
   POTENTIAL SUBJUNCTIVE
   Velim te futuas
   I should like you to fuck yourself
   SUBSTANTIVE CLAUSE OF PURPOSE
   Te rogo ut futuas te ipsum
   I beseech you to fuck yourself
   GENITIVE OF PURPOSE
   I tete futuendi gratia
   Go for the sake of fucking yourself
   FUTURE CONDITIONAL, LESS VIVID
   Si te futuas, gaudeam
   If you should go fuck yourself, I would rejoice
   FUTURE CONDITIONAL, MORE VIVID
   Se te futueris gaudebo
   If you will have gone and fucked yourself, I will rejoice
   PRESENT CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT
   Si te futueres, gauderem
   If you were fucking yourself, I would be rejoicing
   PAST CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT
   Se te futuisses, gavisus (gavisave) essem
   If you had fucked yourself, I would have rejoiced
   FUTURE PARTICIPLE DENOTING INTENTION OR LIKELIHOOD
   Tete fututure, te saluto
   You who are about to go fuck yourself, I salute you
   FUTURE IMPERATIVE
   Tete futuito
   Make it your policy to fuck yourself
   ABLATIVE ABSOLUTE
   Te fututo, gaudeo
   You having been fucked, I rejoice
 
   You Know You May Be a Roman If…SCIAS TE FORTASSE ROMANUM ESSE SI…
   … you often forget what you were going to say before you get to the verb
   … saepe quid habeas in animo dicere priusquam ad verbum pervenias, obliviscaris
   … you think only superstitious sissies are afraid of volcanoes
   … credas molles superstitiosos solos timere montes Volcanios
   … you can eat and have sex at the same time
   … simul cenare et futuere possis
   … you have ever used a chariot in a bar fight
   … umquam in taberna curru proeliatus sis
   … you never make major business decisions without first cutting open a sheep
   … nunquam de negotio magni momenti decernas sine extispicio
   … your most recent domestic crisis was a slave revolt
   … discrimen apud te recentissimum tumultus fuerit servilis
   … you know anyone who married his own mother or was raised by wolves
   … quempiam cognoscas qui matrem suam in matrimonium duxerit vel sit a lupis alitus
   … you have a statue of yourself holding a sword in one hand and the severed head of a Belgian in the other
   … possideas statuam tui, tenentem manu dextra gladium, manu sinistra caput amputatum Belgae
   … you compliment the chef by throwing up
   … coquum vomendo in mensam conlaudes
   … you have a personal poisoner on your staff
   … unus ex officialibus tuis propriis est venenarius
   … the only vegetarian you ever met had hooves
   … numquam phytophagis occurreris nisi ungulatis
   … your idea of a party animal is a goat
   … animal convivialissimum arbitreris esse caprum
   … your car has sword blades welded to its wheels
   … habeas currum falcatum
   … there are usually about three hundred other people in the tub when you take a bath
   … plerumque, cum laveris, adsint in calidario tecum alii fere trecenti
   … you think it would be really cool to be Greek
   … putes esse lepidissimum Graecari
   … you stay home all day if you see a woodpecker over your left shoulder or hear an owl
   … domi maneas totum diem cum post tergum conspicias a sinistra picum, vel audias bubonem
   … you’re never surprised to discover that the guy running the empire is a moron, a pervert, or a lunatic
   … numquam admireris te invenire gubernatorem imperii fatuum esse, vel pravum, vel vesanum

   My name is Sir-I’ll be your customer tonight
   Nomen mihi est Dominus-hodie vobiscum cenabo
   My sign is, I sign the check
   Natus sum signo signantis syngrapham
   The only thing I wish to know about you is where the hell you are when I want something
   De te scire volo solum ubi gentium sis cum alicuius indigeam
   If those entrées are so special, why aren’t they on the menu?
   Si quidem illa fercula tantum praestant, cur in epularum indice non sunt?
   Exactly how fresh is that pepper?
   Quam recenter lectum est hoc piper?
   Why do you put it in a mill the size of a war-trumpet?
   Quamobrem id ponis in molina tanta quanta tuba est?
   This is indeed a very impressive wine list, if you’re in the mood for a bottle of grape-flavored rust remover that costs as much as a new sofa
   Haec tabula vinorum grandia pollicetur cuicumque sit in animo bibere ex ampulla liquoris qui sapit uvas et solvit ferruginem et stat tanti quanti lectus novus
   My compliments to the chef-the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school
   Summam coquo laudem tribuo-imperium venefico ingeniosissimo privatum est cum ille scholam coquinariam obire statuit
   No dessert, thanks, unless it contains the antidote
   Benigne, secundam mensam non requiro, nisi antidotum continet
   I’d have written in a smaller tip but there is no Roman numeral for a nickel
   In syngrapha munusculum minus inscripsissem, sed non est littera Romana quae Ioachimici vicesimam significat
   I’ll be sure to recommend this place to my friends
   Zago, zagas, zagat

   It’s an intense chalky white marked by overtones of turpentine and lead, with a bright, long-lasting finish
   Vinum peralbum cretosum est, resinam terebinthinam et cerussam redolens, nec sine polimine nitido durabili
   It’s a pointless little red wine with a unique balance of ignorance and pretension made by an obnoxious millionaire Napa Valley dilettante for self-important dumb-lucky dickheads just like him
   Vinum irritum pusillum rubrum est, incomparabiliter librans ignorantiam suam cum ostentatione, a quodam Trimalchione Napaensi confectum salaputiis gloriosis immerito fortunatis, persimilibus sui
   It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking
   Vappa vilissima est, quae capitis dolores facit, quamque ex lagona obturamento versatili clausa in lagunculam reliquam, cui pittacium Gallicum speciosum affixum erat, transfudi, dum nemo me spectabat
   * It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking.
   ** My compliments to the chef-the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school.

   Quick and Easy Decorating Secrets That Let You Turn a Rustic Hovel into a Charming Country Home without Busting Your Budget by Vitruvius
   Artis Ornatus Arcana Per Quae Casa Tua Rustica Celeriter Expediteque Converti Potest in Villam Venustam Sine Sumptu Extra Modum Vitruvius Pollio scripsit
   Toujours, Gaul by Julius Caesar
   Semper, Gallia C. Iulius Caesar scripsit
   Eat Right-for that Lean and Hungry Look! by Cassius
   Edi Recte-ut Speciem Macram et Ieiunam Geras auctore C. Cassio Longino
   Great-Tasting Hot Meals Your Slaves Can Whip Up in Two Days or Less by Cato the Elder
   Edulia Calida Sapidissimaque quae Familia Tua Potest Parare Duobus Diebus vel Uno M. Porcius Cato descripsit
   Cleopatra’s Hour-a-Day Bun-Firming Love-Muscle Sexercise Workout by Mark Antony
   De Cleopatrae Callipygiana Exercitatione Aphrodisiaca Per Unam Horam in Singulos Dies Musculorum Venereorum M. Antonius scripsit
   Letters to My Cat by Pliny the Younger
   Epistulae ad Felem Suam quas C. Plinius Caecilius Secundus scripsit
   What Color is Your Catapult? by Frontinus
   Cuius Coloris est Catapulta Tua? Sextus Iulius Frontinus scripsit
   Oracles Say the Darnedest Things by Livy
   Oraculis Inusitatissima Enuntiantur Titus Livius scripsit
   Entrail Reading for Dummies by Cicero
   Haruspicium Stipitibus Explicat M. Tullius Cicero
   Men Are from Troy, Women Are from Greece by Virgil
   E Troia Viri, Ex Graecia Feminae Oriuntur P. Virgilius Maro scripsit
   Now You Can Lose Weight without Vomiting with the Revolutionary Lark’s Tongue Diet by Apicius
   Nunc Adipem Deponere Potes Sine Vomitu per Diaetam Novam atque Inauditam Quae Linguarum Alaudarum Esum Praescribit L. Apicius scripsit

   Our shields are down to 25 percent and those stupid sparks are coming out of all the control panels!
   Scutorum nostrorum potestatis remanet solummodo quarta pars, et istae scintillae ridiculae ex omnibus claviaturis gubernatoriis evolant!
   We’re being controlled by a subordinating conjunction of time implying purpose or intent
   Coercemur coniunctione subiunctiva temporali quae propositum vel intentionem significat
   Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated into the subjunctive.
   Resistere irritum est. Praeparate vos ad translationem in modum subiunctivum.
   It’s our only hope. Activate the transitive verbs and engage the ablative of separation.
   Hoc sola spes nobis est. Verbis transitivis citis, adhibe casum ablativum separationis.
   We’re entering the future perfect indicative. We’ll only have one chance to achieve a case shift.
   Intramus tempus futurum perfectum modo indicativo. Unam tantum occasionem habebimus mutandi casum.
   We’re slipping into the passive. Quick, reroute all available power to the verb endings.
   In genus passivum labimur. Inmitte cito impetum omnem quem in promptu habemus in terminationes verborum.
   We have entered. We shall have entered! Do be entering!
   Intravimus! Intraverimus! Intratote!
   To be continued…
   Narratio resumetur…

   Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers
   Quaerite a competitore meo cur vectigal Bibliis Sacris et vexillis Americanis imponere velit ad epulas comparandas homicidis condemnatis
   Call my opponent and demand that he stop accepting campaign contributions from operators of nursing-home casinos, publishers of pornographic children’s books, and owners of Mexican puppy mills
   Vocantes competitorem meum poscite ut desinat accipere ad ambitionem alendam dona vel ab eis qui virginibus puerisque libros edunt Sotadicos, vel ab eis qui aleatoria in gerontocomiis apparant, vel ab eis qui catellos in Hispania Nova immodice alunt
   * Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers
   ** Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts
 
   Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts
   Dicite competitori meo vos obstare proposito suo ferendi legem quae cogat ludos Dominicales conducere paedicatores otiosos bilingues narcomaniacos

   I respectfully decline to answer on the grounds that anything I might say would be a bald-faced lie
   Recuso reverenter ne respondeam, quia quicquid dicam id sit mendacium impudens
   It wasn’t all done with smoke and mirrors-there were some bells and whistles, too
   Non solum fumo speculisque, sed etiam tintinnabulis fistulisque factum est
   It wasn’t really a loss, it was a loan, which of course shows up as a profit
   Non vero damnum erat sed mutuum, quod scilicet in rationibus existimatur lucrum
   I was out of the loop, but I distinctly remember asking if it passed the smell test
   Consilii particeps non eram, tamen memini clare me rogare num id insidias oleret
   Due to an alien abduction, I have no recollection of anything else during that particular period of time
   Quod raptus sum a transaetheriis, omnia quae evenerunt illo tempore de memoria mea exciderunt
   I only sold my stock because a gypsy fortune-teller told me it was an unlucky month for any company with a vowel in its name
   Omnes partes meas vendidi tantummodo eo, quod Aegyptia sortilega mihi dixit mensem infaustum esse cuiquam societati quae vocalem in nomine habet
   Plus which, I needed cash to buy a condominium for my daughter’s hamster
   Mihi autem pecunia opus erat ad domicilium emendum criceto filiae meae
   I mistook the shredder for a Xerox machine
   Discissorem esse Xerographium perperam putavi
   Look, let me off the hook and I will rat out every single person in the whole company
   Age, da mihi veniam ac impunitatem, deferam unumquemque hominum in societate

   Ministerium consultatorium rerum technicarum tibi gratias agit quod vocavisti
   Thank you for calling tech support
   Verisimile est te haudquaquam intellegere quod dicimus; quid enim?
   You probably don’t understand a word we’re saying; but so what?
   Vocatum tuum nullius momenti putamus eumque neglegemus in ordine
   Your call is of no interest to us and will be ignored in the order it was received
   Fieri potest ut vocatum tuum subauscultemus vel transcribamus animi causa
   Your call may be monitored or recorded to provide us with entertainment
   Omnes auxiliatores nostri nunc emptores alios furiant
   All of our representatives are currently driving other customers crazy
   Necesse tibi est morari circa tres dies et dimidiam
   Your approximate waiting time is three and one-half days
   Preme gullulam primam uti musicam molestam audias
   Press one to hear irritating music
   Preme secundam ut sonum funis occupati audias
   Press two to hear a busy signal
   Preme tertiam uti tinnitum sempiternum lineae vacuae audias
   Press three for the endless ringing of a non-working extension
   Preme quartam uti statim disiungaris
   Press four to be immediately disconnected
   Sit iucundus tibi dies
   Have a nice day

   I’m hopelessly prejudiced-everyone in this court looks like a criminal, including the judge
   Opinionem praeiudicatam immutabilem habeo-omnes in hac basilica mihi videri nefarios esse, praetore non excepto
   No fair! Just last month I served as a hooded judge on a secret military tribunal, but they made me promise not to tell.
   Iniquum est! Modo proximo mense officio iudicis cucullati functus sum in tribunali clandestino militari tamen coactus sum iurare me de eo taciturum.
   I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda
   Iuro sollemniter me dicturum verum, totum verum, nihil praeter verum, ita me iuvet, iuvet Rhonda
   I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them
   Credo me posse diiudicare utrum quis nocens an innocens sit modo eum spectando
   * I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda
   ** I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them
   *** If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?
 
   If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?
   Si lis valde dubia sit, sententiis iuratorum paribus, liceatne nos nummum iactare, “caput aut navem” enuntiantes?
   If the guy is obviously guilty, can we just skip the trial and send him straight to prison under early admission?
   Si reus manifesto sit in culpa, sitne fas nos quaestionem praetereuntes condemnatum in carcerem confestim conicere per admissionem subitariam?
   If the gloves don’t fit, do we have to acquit?
   Si digitalia non congruant manibus, sitne nobis necesse reum absolvere?
   Does the jury room have a minibar?
   Estne cubiculum deliberationis instructum cistula potionum spirituosarum?
   I believe the minimum award in civil cases should be one million dollars, but if you lose, you get the electric chair
   Mea sententia, causam privatam obtinenti ut minimum decies centena milia Ioachimicorum addici debent, at de perdente supplicium ultimum in electrica sella sumendum est
   I plan to find everyone not guilty by reason of I am extremely pissed off
   In animo mihi est, iracundiae meae maximae causa, quemque reum absolvere de crimine
   But in a larger sense, can any of us say that we are truly innocent?
   Quod autem ad res universas attinet, ecquis nostrum dicere potest se vere innocentem esse?
   No, no! It was me! It was me all along! I did it! I did it and I’m glad! Ha-ha, just kidding.
   Minime! Non est! Ego fui! Semper ego! Ego facinus feci! Atque gaudeo me fecisse! Hahahae! Tantummodo iocabar.

   What you say in Latin
   What you say it means
   What it really means
   Stupra fascino volanti torum pistrinum provolventem.
   You never cease to amaze me with your deeply insightful remarks.
   Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
   Quin futuis uxorem tuam foedam?
   Why doesn’t everyone recognize your genius?
   Why don’t you go screw your ugly wife?
   Velim caput tuum devellere deinde in confinium gulae cacare.
   I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your constructive criticism.
   I’d like to rip off your head and take a dump in the hole.
   Mande merdam et morere.
   Keep up the good work.
   Eat shit and die.
   Propudium parcissimum.
   I’ll get the check.
   You cheap bastard.
   Carrus exsecrabilis est! Venditor te irrumavit!
   What a great car! You got a heck of a deal!
   What a piece of shit! You got taken to the cleaners!
   Aspice hanc supellectilem vilem. Quale gurgustium est.
   Fabulous house-I love your taste.
   Look at this cheesy crap. What a dump.
   Rotaturne capitulum huius, virus exspuens viride?
   Well, now, really, isn’t that the cutest baby you’ve ever seen?
   Does its head spin around and spit green slime?
   Speciem scurrae habes. Spectaculum petauristarum bestiarumque nescieGam adesse.
   Dynamite outfit! It really looks good on you.
   You look like a clown. I didn’t know the circus was in town.
   Amicus tuus expers rationis est. Viculus nescioquis barone suo privatus est.
   Your boyfriend is a great guy. No wonder you’ve been keeping him to yourself.
   He’s a total moron. Somewhere there’s a village missing its idiot.
   Amica tua est originis extraterrestrialis. Si fortuna tibi faveat, cum astronavem suam ista refecerit, a terra tuaque vita discedet tam cito quam fulmen ascendit.
   Your girlfriend is a knockout. Talent, beauty, brains-she has it all.
   She’s a space alien. If you’re lucky, when she gets her flying saucer fixed, she’ll be out of here and out of your life in a flash.

   Quod fustuarium!
   Nice swing!
   What a hack!
   Salaputium fortunatum!
   Great shot!
   You lucky fuckhead.
   Seligatur clava imprudenter
   Be the right club.
   Be the wrong club.
   Pilula, curre in harenariam et defode te.
   Hurry up ball, get some air! Be there!
   Get in that bunker and bury.
   Vola! Aberra! Egredere praeter terminos!
   Stop! Hit something! Stay in play!
   Go! Get lost, ball! Go out of bounds!
   Immerge te in aquam!
   Stay dry!
   Get wet!
   Decurre ab area leni in gramen densum!
   Sit down! Bite!
   Run off the green into the rough!
   Transili puteolum!
   Go in the hole!
   Lip out!
   Euax!
   Aww, too bad!
   Hurray!

   asshole
   culus, i m.; podex, podicis, m.
   balls to be blown & to blow
   coleus, i m.; irrumo, irrumare fello, fellare; ligurio, ire; (verpam) comedo, esse, edi, estum
   to bugger butt
   pedico, are clunis, is m. & f. (clunes, ium); natis, is f. (nates, ium); puta, ae f.
   cock
   capulus, i m.; cauda, ae f.; cicer, is n.; clavus, i m.; cucumis, eris m.; falcula, ae f.; fascinum, i n.; gladius, i m.; hasta, ae f.; membrum, i n.; mentula, ae f.; peculium, i n.; radix, icis f.; rutabulum, i n.; sicula, ae f.; telum, i n.; verpa, ae f.; vomer, eris m.
   cunt
   aratiuncula, ae f.; cunnus, i m.
   fart, to fart
   crepitus, us. m.: strepitus, us m.; crepo, crepare, crepui, crepitum; pedo, pedere, pepedi, peditum; strepito, are
   to fuck
   concumbo, concumbere, concubui, concubitum; futuo, futuere, futui, fututum
   to jerk off
   frico, fricare, fricui, frictum (fricatum); percieo, ire, ivi, itum; sollicito, are; tero, terere, trivi, tritum; tracto, tractare
   piss, to piss
   urina, ae f.; meio, meiere, mixi, mictum; mingo, mingere, minxi, minctum
   shit, to shit
   fimus, i m. & fimus, i n.; merda, ae f.; stercus, oris n.; caco, are
 

***