GIDEON DEFOE was born in 1975 and lives in London. He is also the author of The Pirates! In An Adventure with Moby Dick, The Pirates! In An Adventure with Communists, and The Pirates! In An Adventure with Napoleon. You could be forgiven for thinking he is a bit of a one-trick pony.
 
   First published in Great Britain in 2004 by Weidenfeld & Nicholson This paperback edition published 2012
   Copyright © Gideon Defoe 2004 Map copyright © 2004 by Dave Senior
   The moral right of the author has been asserted
   Bloomsbury Publishing, London, Berlin, New York and Sydney
   50 Bedford Square, London WCiB 3DP
   A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
   ISBN 9781408826058 10 98765432
 
   Typeset by Hewer Text UK Ltd, Edinburgh

www.bloomsbury.com/gideondefoe

 
   Printed in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives Pic
   
   To Sophie, who has a quarter of a million pounds.
   CONTENTS
 
 
   CHAPTER ONE
   A pirate brawl - The Pirate Captain - A decision is made - Cooking the ham - Setting sail
   
 
   CHAPTER TWO
   A pirate feast - A letter arrives -The Barbary Hen - Meeting Black Bellamy -Another pirate feast -A game of cards - Setting sail again
   
   CHAPTER THREE
   Piratical entertainments - A delicate question - Making ready for attack
   
 
   CHAPTER FOUR
   A reluctant duel - Under attack! - Looking for gold - In conversation - Darwin's dangerous idea - Another decision is made
   CHAPTER FIVE
   Walking the plank - Another pirate feast -A terrifying story - The Captain's question
   
   CHAPTER SIX
   At the seaside - Visiting the arcade - A spot of golf
   
 
   CHAPTER SEVEN
   Arriving in London - At the zoo - A mysterious poster - To the gentlemen's club - In disguise! -Another feast - A plan is hatched
   
   CHAPTER EIGHT
   Breakfast - Organising the pirates -The Captain receives another letter
   
   CHAPTER NINE
   To the sinister circus - Meeting a pretty lady -The Elephant Man - Drugged! - The infernal machine - A pirate in trouble
   CHAPTER TEN
   At the convention - Scurvy Jake - Help arrives -Signing autographs - Too much grog
   
   CHAPTER ELEVEN
   In the news - A confrontation with the Bishop - A controversial lecture - An exciting fight - The end for the Pirate Captain?
   
   CHAPTER TWELVE
   Not much time! - The terrifying clock - Mister Bobo has an idea - A new kind of piracy -A daring leap
   
   CHAPTER THIRTEEN

COMPREHENSION EXERCISE

   A fond farewell - The Bishop's fate -Setting sail!
   
 
 
 
 
   A Brief Explanatory Note From The Pirate Captain
 
   Hello lubbers,
 
   I'm writing this note on the back of an old bit of squid carcass to clear up any confusion that might arise about a hundred and seventy years from now. You see, there's a good chance that in your more enlightened times of hover-boards and asymmetrical haircuts, a daring theatrical impresario will have decided to adapt my excit­ing adventure with scientists into some sort of motion picture, to be exhibited at your local zoetrope club.
 
   Probably you will notice how that motion picture contains a number of differences from the book you hold in your shiny futuristic hands. I would like to reassure you that this is not because of any sinister plot to rewrite history: it's simply
   that certain things are better suited to the page than to the inside of a spinning metal drum. For example, it may be that the villain in said motion picture is Queen Victoria, rather than the diabol­ical Bishop of Oxford. This is possibly because she is a funnier shape to look at, like a dumpy little toilet roll holder. And perhaps the motion picture contains an entire plot to do with me owning a dodo, which is obviously a ridiculous and unlikely flight of fancy. Though I would very much like to own a dodo instead of our idiot parrot Gary, who is, frankly, a nuisance.
 
   But rest assured that in both zoetrope display and book, my beard is still luxuriant, Black Bellamy is still a fiend with eyes of the darkest pitch, and there's still a good bit where a chimpanzee gets dressed up in a waistcoat. And, most importantly, at no point does anybody mistakenly think it's somehow inherently funny to 'talk like a pirate'.
 
   Until our next adventure, Hugs,
   The Pirate Captain, 1838
   One
   INTO ACTION UNDER THE PIRATE FLAG!
   

T

   he best bit about being a pirate,' said the pirate with gout, 'is the looting.' "That's rubbish!' said the albino pirate. 'It's the doubloons. Doubloons are easily the best bit about pirating.'
   The rest of the pirates, sunning themselves on the deck of the pirate boat, soon joined in. It had been several weeks since the Pirates' Adven­ture with Cowboys, and they had a lot of time on their hands.
   'It's the pirate grog!'
   'Marooning! That's what I like best!'
   'Cutlasses!'
   'The Spanish Main!'
   'The ship's biscuits!'
   One of the pirates pulled a special face to show exactly what he thought of this last comment, and soon all the pirates were fight­ing. With a sound like a bat hitting a watermelon, pirate fist connected with pirate jaw and a gold
   tooth bounced across the deck. The pirate with gout found himself run through in a grisly manner, and one of the cabin boys accidentally got a shiny pirate hook in the side of the head. It would probably have gone on for hours in this fashion, but both of the heavy wooden doors that led to the downstairs of the boat crashed open, and out onto the deck strode the Pirate Captain himself.
   The Pirate Captain cut an impressive figure. If you were to compare him to a type of tree - and working out what sort of tree they would be if they were trees instead of pirates was easily one of the crew's favourite pastimes - he would undoubtedly be an oak, or maybe a horse chestnut. He was all teeth and curls, but with a pleasant open face; his coat was of a better cut than everybody else's, and his beard was fantastic and glossy, and the ends of it were twisted with expensive-looking ribbons. Living at sea tended to leave you with ratty, matted hair, but the Pirate Captain somehow kept his beard silky and in good condition, and though nobody knew his secret, they all respected him for it. They also respected him because it was said he
   was wedded to the sea. A lot of pirates claimed that they were wedded to the sea, but usually this was an excuse because they couldn't get a girlfriend or they were a gay pirate, but in the Pirate Captain's case none of his crew doubted he was actually wedded to the sea for a minute. Any of his men would have gladly taken a bullet for him, or even the pointy end of a cutlass. The Pirate Captain didn't need to do much more than clear his throat and roll his eyes a bit to stop the fighting dead in its tracks.
   'What's going on, you scurvy knaves!' he bellowed. Pirates were often rude to each other, but without really meaning it, so none of the brawling pirates took being called a 'scurvy knave' too much to heart.
   'We were just discussing what the best bit about being a pirate is,' answered the pirate dressed in green, after a bit of an awkward pause.
   'The best bit about being a pirate?'