One winter night, at half-past nine, Cold, tired, and cross, and muddy, I had come home, too late to dine, And supper, with cigars and wine, Was waiting in the study.
There was a strangeness in the room, And Something white and wavy Was standing near me in the gloom — I took it for the carpet-broom Left by that careless slavey.
But presently the Thing began To shiver and to sneeze: On which I said "Come, come, my man! That's a most inconsiderate plan. Less noise there, if you please!"
"I've caught a cold," the Thing replies, "Out there upon the landing." I turned to look in some surprise, And there, before my very eyes, A little Ghost was standing!
He trembled when he caught my eye, And got behind a chair. "How came you here," I said, "and why? I never saw a thing so shy. Come out! Don't shiver there!"
He said "I'd gladly tell you how, And also tell you why; But" (here he gave a little bow) You're in so bad a temper now, You'd think it all a lie.
"And as to being in a fright, Allow me to remark That Ghosts have just as good a right In every way, to fear the light, As Men to fear the dark."
"No plea," said I, "can well excuse Such cowardice in you: For Ghosts can visit when they choose, Whereas we Humans ca'n't refuse To grant the interview."
He said "A flutter of alarm Is not unnatural, is it? I really feared you meant some harm: But, now I see that you are calm, Let me explain my visit.
"Houses are classed, I beg to state, According to the number Of Ghosts that they accommodate: (The Tenant merely counts as weight , With Coals and other lumber).
"This is a 'one-ghost' house, and you When you arrived last summer, May have remarked a Spectre who Was doing all that Ghosts can do To welcome the new-comer.
"In Villas this is always done — However cheaply rented: For, though of course there's less of fun When there is only room for one, Ghosts have to be contented.
"That Spectre left you on the Third — Since then you've not been haunted: For, as he never sent us word, 'Twas quite by accident we heard That any one was wanted.
"A Spectre has first choice, by right, In filling up a vacancy; Then Phantom, Goblin, Elf, and Sprite — If all these fail them, they invite The nicest Ghoul that they can see.
"The Spectres said the place was low, And that you kept bad wine: So, as a Phantom had to go, And I was first, of course, you know, I couldn't well decline."
"No doubt," said I, "they settled who Was fittest to be sent Yet still to choose a brat like you, To haunt a man of forty-two, Was no great compliment!"
"I'm not so young, Sir," he replied, "As you might think. The fact is, In caverns by the water-side, And other places that I've tried, I've had a lot of practice:
"But I have never taken yet A strict domestic part, And in my flurry I forget The Five Good Rules of Etiquette We have to know by heart."
My sympathies were warming fast Towards the little fellow: He was so utterly aghast At having found a Man at last, And looked so scared and yellow.
"At least," I said, "I'm glad to find A Ghost is not a dumb thing! But pray sit down: you'll feel inclined (If, like myself, you have not dined) To take a snack of something:
"Though, certainly, you don't appear A thing to offer food to! And then I shall be glad to hear — If you will say them loud and clear — The Rules that you allude to."
"Thanks! You shall hear them by and by. This is a piece of luck!" "What may I offer you?" said I. "Well, since you are so kind, I'll try A little bit of duck.
"One slice! And may I ask you for Another drop of gravy?" I sat and looked at him in awe, For certainly I never saw A thing so white and wavy.
And still he seemed to grow more white, More vapoury, and wavier — Seen in the dim and flickering light, As he proceeded to recite His "Maxims of Behaviour."
Canto II — Hys Fyve Rules
"My First — but don't suppose," he said, "I'm setting you a riddle — Is — if your Victim be in bed, Don't touch the curtains at his head, But take them in the middle,
"And wave them slowly in and out, While drawing them asunder; And in a minute's time, no doubt, He'll raise his head and look about With eyes of wrath and wonder.
"And here you must on no pretence Make the first observation. Wait for the Victim to commence: No Ghost of any common sense Begins a conversation.
"If he should say 'How came you here ?' (The way that you began, Sir,) In such a case your course is clear — 'On the bat's back, my little dear !' Is the appropriate answer.
"If after this he says no more, You'd best perhaps curtail your Exertions — go and shake the door, And then, if he begins to snore, You'll know the thing's a failure.
"By day, if he should be alone — At home or on a walk — You merely give a hollow groan, To indicate the kind of tone In which you mean to talk.
"But if you find him with his friends, The thing is rather harder. In such a case success depends On picking up some candle-ends, Or butter, in the larder.
"With this you make a kind of slide (It answers best with suet), On which you must contrive to glide, And swing yourself from side to side — One soon learns how to do it.
"The Second tells us what is right In ceremonious calls:— 'First burn a blue or crimson light ' (A thing I quite forgot to-night), 'Then scratch the door or walls. '"
I said "You'll visit here no more, If you attempt the Guy. I'll have no bonfires on my floor — And, as for scratching at the door, I'd like to see you try!"
"The Third was written to protect The interests of the Victim, And tells us, as I recollect, To treat him with a grave respect, And not to contradict him."
"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret, To any comprehension: I only wish some Ghosts I've met Would not so constantly forget The maxim that you mention!"
"Perhaps," he said, "you first transgressed The laws of hospitality: All Ghosts instinctively detest The Man that fails to treat his guest With proper cordiality.
"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing!' Or strike him with a hatchet, He is permitted by the King To drop all formal parleying — And then you're sure to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing Where other Ghosts are quartered: And those convicted of the thing (Unless when pardoned by the King) Must instantly be slaughtered.
"That simply means 'be cut up small': Ghosts soon unite anew. The process scarcely hurts at all — Not more than when you 're what you call 'Cut up' by a Review. "The Fifth is one you may prefer That I should quote entire:— The King must be addressed as 'Sir.' This, from a simple courtier, Is all the laws require:
"But, should you wish to do the thing With out-and-out politeness, Accost him as 'My Goblin King! And always use, in answering, The phrase ' Your Royal Whiteness!'
"I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear, After so much reciting : So, if you don't object, my dear, We'll try a glass of bitter beer — I think it looks inviting."
Canto III — Scarmoges
"And did you really walk," said I, "On such a wretched night? I always fancied Ghosts could fly — If not exactly in the sky, Yet at a fairish height."
"It's very well," said he, "for Kings To soar above the earth: But Phantoms often find that wings —
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